Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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