Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
