I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize