i mean i cnt help that this campus has the highest STI rate
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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