Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Is it penis luge time yet?
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
