6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
