I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
