party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize