Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
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