Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
