tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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