Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Hello my rib-scented angel!
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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