atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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