Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
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