Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
