I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
