i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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