all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Randomize
