I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
