goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
