I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
