"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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