dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
My bed smells like the plague
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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