I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
