I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
