i will never coherently bang her
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
