Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
