you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
