Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
