I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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