Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Still dying that you shit outside
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
