Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
