Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Randomize
