Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
