Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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