Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
