Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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