i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
