I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
