How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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