It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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