So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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