2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
Green mimosas i think yes
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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