I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
