No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
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