Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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