I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
You have to summon your inner elephant
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
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