She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
