he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Randomize
