I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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