help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
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