I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
