Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
