Someone shit on the floor
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
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