I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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