we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
