tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
