Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Randomize
